Rescue
I guess I’ve always been a closet optimist. I always believed we could make a difference in the world, no matter how little or great, and would have a positive impact on people's lives.
If you told me something I wanted was impossible, I’d prove to you it wasn’t.
The status quo and I have never gotten along. We don’t see eye to eye, I look forward.
I dream up what I want and I fight for it. That dream may seem small to you, but it’s huge to me. You may think it’s not worth my energy, but I’ll pour all of myself into it.
I love to push myself. See how far I can go and go further.
But infertility changed that about me. Infertility broke me.
Over time, I started to doubt everything I had worked so hard for. Was what I dreamt of right for me? Was I where I was supposed to be? Was I just a naive dreamer all this time, slowly getting lost in a sea of dreams and aspirations? Have I officially gotten lost? If so, how do I find my way back?
To move forward, do I have to dismantle my optimistic self, break her, tear away the hope that glues her together, and shame her for dreaming? That can't be my only way out.
In the beginning, I had all the hope that this would work for me. Sure, I’d struggle and get my ass beat, but fuck, that makes me want it even more. Yet, slowly, over time, those ass beatings pulverized my hope and challenged my identity. Everything I adorned myself with: success, nice clothes, makeup, a career, a fake smile, hair dye; everything was scrubbed from me and I had to face the naked, sad, broke version of myself. I've been forced to realize that no matter how hard I try, there will be some things I want so much my veins ache for it, and I’ll never get it. I won’t achieve it. I won’t conquer it. It will conquer me. It will change my life. At that point, I’ll have to turn around and find my way back, doubting every dream that got me there, navigating my way through life broken and ashamed.
I'm currently trying to navigate this new terrain. I can no longer go back to the woman I was before infertility, she’s is gone. The optimist in me claims “this is a new improved you.” But the realist in me screams "it’s not improved, it’s broken!" I’ve stopped dreaming.
I know I need to make a new dream. A dream filled with gratitude, adventure, joy, passion, and freedom. A dream that feels like standing naked at the top of a mountain, cold wind whipping around my body, screaming into the setting sun, and letting my soul revive itself. But I'm struggling to find the strength. I'm struggling to get back up.
Eventually, I'll glue myself back together, find the pieces that chipped off of me along the way and build a different, more resilient, and forgiving version of myself. I'll no longer obsess over body image issues. I'll no longer covet money or identify it as my shelter. I'll no longer compete with the ones I love. I'll no longer practice self-hate and shame. This new dream will be rooted in knowing I’m enough, even if I’m infertile. That version of me is coming, I just need to turn around and face what's next, but right now, I'm afraid of what I'll see.
If you told me something I wanted was impossible, I’d prove to you it wasn’t.
The status quo and I have never gotten along. We don’t see eye to eye, I look forward.
I dream up what I want and I fight for it. That dream may seem small to you, but it’s huge to me. You may think it’s not worth my energy, but I’ll pour all of myself into it.
I love to push myself. See how far I can go and go further.
But infertility changed that about me. Infertility broke me.
Over time, I started to doubt everything I had worked so hard for. Was what I dreamt of right for me? Was I where I was supposed to be? Was I just a naive dreamer all this time, slowly getting lost in a sea of dreams and aspirations? Have I officially gotten lost? If so, how do I find my way back?
To move forward, do I have to dismantle my optimistic self, break her, tear away the hope that glues her together, and shame her for dreaming? That can't be my only way out.
In the beginning, I had all the hope that this would work for me. Sure, I’d struggle and get my ass beat, but fuck, that makes me want it even more. Yet, slowly, over time, those ass beatings pulverized my hope and challenged my identity. Everything I adorned myself with: success, nice clothes, makeup, a career, a fake smile, hair dye; everything was scrubbed from me and I had to face the naked, sad, broke version of myself. I've been forced to realize that no matter how hard I try, there will be some things I want so much my veins ache for it, and I’ll never get it. I won’t achieve it. I won’t conquer it. It will conquer me. It will change my life. At that point, I’ll have to turn around and find my way back, doubting every dream that got me there, navigating my way through life broken and ashamed.
I'm currently trying to navigate this new terrain. I can no longer go back to the woman I was before infertility, she’s is gone. The optimist in me claims “this is a new improved you.” But the realist in me screams "it’s not improved, it’s broken!" I’ve stopped dreaming.
I know I need to make a new dream. A dream filled with gratitude, adventure, joy, passion, and freedom. A dream that feels like standing naked at the top of a mountain, cold wind whipping around my body, screaming into the setting sun, and letting my soul revive itself. But I'm struggling to find the strength. I'm struggling to get back up.
Eventually, I'll glue myself back together, find the pieces that chipped off of me along the way and build a different, more resilient, and forgiving version of myself. I'll no longer obsess over body image issues. I'll no longer covet money or identify it as my shelter. I'll no longer compete with the ones I love. I'll no longer practice self-hate and shame. This new dream will be rooted in knowing I’m enough, even if I’m infertile. That version of me is coming, I just need to turn around and face what's next, but right now, I'm afraid of what I'll see.
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